Clomid Crazies

I apologize for the delay since my last post. You'll hear me say this a lot through this journey...Hope is exhausting. And sometimes processing hopes being dashed is exhausting too - which means blogging about it can be exhausting.

In August of 2019 (one year after we officially stopped preventing pregnancy), my doctor prescribed Clomid. Clomid is a medication that can be used to stimulate ovulation. Doctors typically prescribe this medication in 50mg doses.

Here's how the process works.

1. Cycle Day 1: On the day you start your period, you call the doctor to say, "I started my period."

2. They ask you to schedule a pre-scan to make sure your ovaries haven't been overstimulated by the drugs (we didn't have to do this the first time, of course).

3. Cycle Days 3-7 or 4-8: Once your pre-scan is done, you're prescribed the meds for 5 days.

4. Cycle Day 7/8: Once you complete the meds, you schedule another appointment to have an internal ultrasound done (this is actually pretty cool).

5. During the ultrasound, the doctor looks at the lining of the uterus, then examines both ovaries to determine how many "viable" follicles are in each. Follicles are the fluid sac inside a woman's ovary that has the potential to release an egg. Ideally, each follicle is measuring between 16-20mm in diameter.

6. Cycle Day 15-21: This is when ovulation happens and all the fun stuff comes with it.

7. Cycle Days 22-28: Wait.

For the first cycle, my doctor prescribed three days of 50mg/day pills. Then, I went in for an ultrasound. Seeing that my follicles were still quite small, she increased my dosage to 100mg/day for three more days. The follicles grew, but still weren't at that viable level. Third time's the charm, right? My dosage went up to 150mg/day. Side note about these pills - they're the kind that if you don't swallow them fast enough, they dissolve all over your mouth and make you want to vomit! Just the act of taking the medicine was a pain! After my third and final ultrasound in that 9-day period, my doctor determined that I had several follicles large enough to be satisfied with this dosage moving forward. She even gave me the lecture about twins and how they come to be. My ovaries had each produced 3-4 large follicles and I was hopeful! Honestly, I was even hoping to have twins. At first, it was daunting, then suddenly incredibly exciting.

There's something you need to know about Clomid - It makes women crazy. Obviously every woman is different and our bodies react differently to medicines, but it is incredibly common for women to feel like they're going insane while on this pill. Picture this: I am at the max dosage of Clomid (having taking it for 9 days) and starting to feel really horrible. The first side effect I noticed was hot flashes. Not just one or two throughout the day, but nearly every 5-10 minutes from 6 p.m. to 8 a.m. I never knew hot flashes could be so miserable! I remember sitting at a restaurant with some friends who didn't know that I was taking fertility medication at the time. I kept putting on and taking off a sweatshirt in the restaurant. It was embarrassing and uncomfortable. Another side effect of Clomid is insomnia. I have never struggled with sleep. I was the type of kid who asked my parents if I could please go to bed. Suddenly, I was tossing and turning in the middle of the night, most often having been awakened by the hot flashes.

These two side effects were rough, but nothing compared to the insanely depressive emotions I felt during the process. I pride myself on not being highly emotional. I can take things in stride and hold things together quite well, but on Clomid, I'm a whole new person and not a person I necessarily enjoy being. On Clomid, I cry at the silliest things and feel lethargic and in one word: miserable. I had no reason to cry or to feel beaten down, and yet, I spent a lot of time in the bathroom stall at work sobbing.

In October, after just completing my second cycle, I told Andy that I couldn't take any more. I felt crazy, and I discovered that I wasn't the only one to experience these things. I quickly found with a, "Why do I feel insane while taking Clomid," Google search that thousands of women were in the same boat. That's why they call it the Clomid Crazies! Andy said we could stop if I wanted, but no, I don't give up easily. I would fight through. I told myself, "It will be worth it when we have a baby to hold" or, "It's only a few days of pain."

I muscled through.

Another note I need to share about this Clomid process is that cycle days matter. This is such a delicate process and timing really matters. I have a high-pressure job - it's busy and it's tiresome. There were a few times when I missed an opportunity to take the medicine because I was late in calling the doctor about starting my period, or I would be on vacation when I would need to go in for a pre-scan. One time, my doctor was unavailable to pre-scan me before prescribing the meds so her staff just said, "Sorry next time," instead of scheduling me with one of the other three doctors. I'm not here to put my doctor's office on blast. In fact, quite the opposite. I'll be honest - I didn't have a strong connection to my doctor before all of this. This was a drastic change in comparison to my doctor in Muncie. He was such a kind, endearing man, who clearly cared about me from day one. This doctor is sarcastic and blunt. She's smart and very funny. After my HSG test and countless cycles of fertility stimulation, I have come to love my doctor. She is compassionate, caring, hopeful, and silly. She makes me laugh when it's needed and is quiet when I'm in pain. She understands and she cares. There were just some unfortunate moments with scheduling that seemed to add obstacles to the process when you would think they'd be taken away. It was a hard thing to face. On the one hand, I know I'm not the only woman this practice treats who suffers from infertility. On the other hand, I wanted to be treated like I was the only woman in the practice and everyone's focus was on me. All in all, I have come to really appreciate and like my doctor and her staff.

Now, back to the main point. As I sit here, a year after my first stimulation cycle, I am thankful to be where I'm at. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm, in a lot of ways, losing hope. Doesn't sound too great, does it? But to go back and face the Clomid from the beginning seems much worse. We tried Clomid, we tried Femara and Metformin - a cocktail of medications to give the ovaries the perfect boost they needed. Nothing has worked. I'm still sitting here wondering why, but I'm glad I'm not only now beginning the process.

And I can tell you right now, that sitting here, another cycle has proven (today) to have failed. We can end fertility treatments whenever we wish. And you might be wondering what's the next step. Sometimes, we are too, but though they may be baby steps, we're taking them.